A Note on Abuse
Defining love can be as complex as defining truth. A spiritual mentor in my tribe recently sent me a youtube video by John Butler in which he stated truth can be described as “that which does not change.” For me, that was the most resonating-ly solid description I’d ever heard. Supporting that love and truth are one, each necessary for the other and yet the same.
I’ve recently left an abusive relationship with someone incapable of love, incapable of Truth. This person displayed narcissistic qualities to the T, was armed with over 20 years of Tony
And I allowed it.
I chose to see the crumbs of good that were never real. And like that Japanese saying of the indention the slowly dripping water makes upon a stone over time, by believing he’d change and allowing him back, I fell out of balance with my truth and believed it was love.
But why? What was it in me that kept allowing and choosing this damaging behavior time and time again with this person? What need was it fulfilling? I had to ask myself these questions as I’d never put up with such behavior for this amount of time before. I mean shit, I kicked my daughter’s dad out of the house when she was four months old, with no money saved, him paying all the bills knowing he’d leave me high and dry – because he cheated on me while
My PHD in Dysfunctional Men
If you’ve been following me for
I have a history of attracting and choosing violent and emotionally abusive men. Men that typically have
I am not a victim.
Years of trauma therapy uncovered that because I grew up in an abusive home, somewhere deep inside, my subconscious mind perceives that manipulative, abandoning, gaslighting and sometimes physically abusive behavior as, you guessed it – love.
It was within this awareness that I could begin my pivot out. Out of the abuse from him and more importantly, out of a long-lineage family dynamic. For it was within the space he gave me to execute his selfish endeavors to purposely hurt me via the triggering of my abandonment issues, that I began to let him go and slowly
Energetically, I began to have a reference for my frequencies of attraction when he was around killing my vibe vs when he wasn’t. It was a lot like when I stopped drinking in 2005. I’d put the alcohol down, and land a modeling gig. I’d pick it up and everything would go back to shit.
Back to the questions
I learned from a Trainer at last year’s Date with Destiny that I should make a list of the things I liked and disliked about the dynamic. That I should then take the things I liked and figure out how to fulfill them in new ways that didn’t involve
I decided that this was going to be pivotal if I was going to be in my new Truth. As I don’t believe we ever leave a relationship the same version of ourselves that went into it. Doubly so for an abusive one.
The Pattern. The Hook
I reflected on how he would play the role of a person ready and wanting to build with me by filling in the spaces I didn’t even realize I wanted
How he pretended to support my dreams and collaborate in a bare minimum fashion. Only to learn later, by his admittance, that he purposefully held me back because he was afraid that if I was successful, I’d leave him. Which is a form of emotional abuse, in case you aren’t
Armed with this awareness, I immediately recalled my resilience and how I raised a kid alone in NYC while killing it as a Makeup Artist and in the cosmetics world. Reflected upon my network of people who truly know how to love and taught me
I am Whole.
This exercise helped me to see that everything I allowed him to make me think regarding what we never were, was already there in the first place. He chose me to make
I wish I could say I immediately began to go where the energy flow was in alignment with where I was going, who I am and who I was becoming, but I gave him a few more opportunities to walk his talk. Being in recovery, I held on to the magic of seeing people change when it wasn’t warranted. What can I say, I’m a stupid girl when I’m in “love”.
This post is a new level of vulnerability for me and will most likely be in my book. Part of my healing lies in owning it, h
It is my intention that by standing in my truth, I will be of service in helping others who are going through something similar in which they have no name or reference for yet.
Abuse is abuse.
One should never have to fight and argue for love, affection